It doesn't matter whether you have accidentally stumbled upon a rare disagreement between your parents or if they fight in front of you constantly, witnessing such an event can be frightening. Keep it from doing serious harm to both your self-esteem and your relationship with your folks by following these steps.
When They're Not Fighting
- Speak with one or both of your parents about how their fighting affects you. It is best you can do this with the two of them present. It is better so they can both know how you feel!
During a Fight
- Leave the room if at all possible. Go into your room, put on your headphones and crank up the stereo if you must. The further away you are from the "line of fire" (verbally speaking) the less likely you'll be emotionally drained from the experience. Another word, when they are fighting leave the room. You DO NOT need to hear this.
- Recognize that they are not fighting because of you. This is true even if your name comes into the conversation. In this case it has more to do with a disagreement between parenting styles and little to do with any misbehavior on your part. Remember that, it was never nor now your fault.
- Stay confident. Don't let this issue get in the way of how you feel about yourself. Try to say a couple good things about yourself before you go to school, or even anywhere.
- Remind yourself that this issue will end. Slowly but surely, it will end.
After the Fight
- Do an emotional check-up. It's quite normal for your feelings to run the gamut from anger to sadness and back again after a stressful situation. Allow yourself to feel these emotions in an appropriate manner such as crying or screaming into a pillow or even something creative such as writing a poem or painting a picture can help.
- Approach your parents when you and they are ready. If any of you need a longer cooling down period then allow that time to pass before you try speaking with them.
- Remind them of how much it bothers you when they fight. This is not the time for a long drawn out discussion a simple phrase such as "Please don't fight around me" will suffice.
- Forgive and move forward.
Tips
- Keep yourself busy. Respect yourself, inside and out. Embrace your youth, enjoy looking and being like a kid (or teenager), though you may not feel like one because of this situation.
- If you don't have friends who are helping to build you up, you are better off without them. They may not understand the depth of what you are going through and what it will take to rise above it, or do not know how if they go through the same themselves. You will find that good friends will come to you if you keep up the great things you are doing.
- Stay confident. Remember, each fight has an ending and none of it is your fault.
- If you have siblings you worry about leaving home with the fighting going on, consider taking them with you where you decide to do your homework/hobbies. Or take them somewhere you know they are safe and happy.
- Become really involved in your schoolwork, if it has suffered, don't worry; it's never too late. Talk to a school counselor, tell them you have been distracted due to home situations. They are likely to genuinely want to help you, simply because you took initiative to tell them what's been going on. Get those grades up! Don't let the drama at home distract you. Study and do homework someplace quiet, like the library or at a good, positive friend's house. If this is not possible, go outside away from your parents, or walk to a park.
- The best thing you can do is work on yourself, find who you are, be an individual, and immerse yourself in your interests. The best gift you can give to your parents is doing your best and trying your hardest to be happy and make good decisions for yourself.
- If you need help in dealing with your emotions because of your parents fighting, speak with a school counselor or another adult you trust. Make sure that the adult you choose to speak with can remain objective on this subject. For example, if Grandma often expresses her distaste against Dad (or Mom) she may not be the best choice to talk to about this.
- Understand that it is not in your hands to resolve your parents' marriage. Some issues, however, happen if your parents are divorced. If this is the case, it may be about who keeps you and when. Do not try to take on that responsibility, even if it is a really bad situation, it is too heavy on your shoulders and the more you try and see no results, the more you will tear down your self esteem. They are the only ones who can fix their problems .
- If you know that your parents may be getting apart then remember how it affects you. Maybe you want them to leave, but always stand up for yourself. If one parent is always the victim, then try to defend them and suggest ideas. They may need to be apart.